Dear Sigmunda: Isolated and Alone

Dear Sigmunda,

Although I started graduate school to work primarily with my advisor, my experience has not been very positive. I have been thinking about changing advisors, but am really at a loss about how to do this without making waves in my department, step on toes, etc. I don't want there to be any animosity between us either. I am throwing this out for some suggestions from other grad students who may have faced this problem, as I don't feel comfortable bringing this up with other faculty and graduate students in my department. Help!

          --Isolated and Alone

	Dear "Isolated and Alone": Sorry to hear your mentoring relationship hasn't been the experience you'd hoped for. It's difficult when another person fails to meet our expectations, whether it's our faculty advisor or a family member. In my nearly four years as a graduate student, I've known at least three talented Ph.D. students who've had the same situation. They also felt that, for political reasons, a different relationship would be better. A couple of them did choose to change relationships; one had political problems, another did not. Because of your particular circumstances, I'm not sure exactly what to recommend. If you wanted to change advisors without making waves, I am inclined to suggest that your professional interests should shift in a new direction, one that moves you away from your advisor but stays true to your career goals. You could not do this quickly, nor could you look "suddenly happy," but I think an interest shift would be a solid reason for changing directions "midstream." This is what one of the successful students and I had discussed before his change. However, consider my suggestion only useful in an extreme situation. I personally feel the best way to deal with these situations is to be as straightforward as possible. It could be that your advisor experiences this situation the same as you. Or, it could be that the situation has simply been a series of misunderstandings and misinterpretations. Keep in mind that sometimes our unhappiness is more about our expectations for the mentoring relationship than it is about our interactions with our supervisors. Holton (1998) discusses how our expectations for the career can inadvertently interfere with our success. Other books that have made my professional career easier include those that helped me to deal with difficult people (e.g., Bramson, 1988; Brinkman, 2002; Gill, 1999; Osborne, 2002). Remember, we will always encounter incorrigible people in our careers; and yes, we will have to work with them. Good luck with your situation. I hope that you are able to find some peace with your graduate school experience. In addition, I hope that these comments are taken with a grain of salt. It is difficult to be helpful without knowing more about your particular situation. References: Bramson, R. M. (1988). Coping with difficult people. New York: Dell Publishing. Brinkman, R. (2002). Dealing with people you can't stand: How to bring out the best in people at their worst. New York: McGraw-Hill. Gill, L. (1999). How to work with just about anyone: A 3-step solution for getting difficult people to change. New York: Simon & Schuster. Holton, E. (1998). The ultimate new employee survival guide: Making the most of your career from day one. Princeton, NJ: Peterson's. Osborne, C. (2002). Essential managers: Dealing with difficult people. New York: Dorling Kindersley Publishing.

	Dear "Isolated and Alone": This is a very common problem among graduate students, as far as I can tell. I faced the same problem during my first year in grad school. It was obvious that I would have to switch advisors to survive grad school, but I was worried about making the switch for the same reasons you mention. Here's what I did: First, I spoke with other grad students in my department who had switched advisors (we have a very friendly department, so this was easy to do). Next, I decided who I wanted to work with (let's call him NA), and approached him with the problem. I was open with him about the fact that I hadn't mentioned this to my advisor (let's call him OA) yet, and wanted to know before doing so whether NA would take me on. NA said yes, but he didn't want to do it in any underhanded way. Then came the hard part. I spoke with OA, it was uncomfortable and awful, but frankly, advisors are used to this, and if you think there's a problem, your advisor probably (9 times out of 10, anyway) thinks so too. OA was aware of the problems (a personality- and research-conflict problem) and was pretty nice about the whole thing. So, I switched to NA. NA insisted that I keep OA on my committee, which is a bit weird, but so far (5 years later) all is well. My only concern is that I refuse to ask OA for a letter of rec. Otherwise, OA acts like he likes me, and I've gotten along very well with NA both personality- and research-wise. A few additional thoughts: The switch was easy for me because in my department, funding isn't tied to any one advisor. If your funding is through your advisor's grant, then you'll have funding problems to deal with. Your director of grad studies is there to help you with precisely this kind of problem: talk to him or her if you can. Best of luck.

	Dear "Isolated and Alone": Hey! I have some experience with switching advisors...though it seems icky, it's really not all that bad if you are up front with everyone involved. I liked my first advisor quite a bit interpersonally but our research interests just weren't matching up very well after all, and I found it difficult to stay motivated to work on research that I just wasn't that into. I began investigating the possibility of switching advisors fairly late in my graduate school career, but even so, I took a long time to weigh the pros and cons of both options (staying with my old advisor or switching). However, I knew it was time to switch when I found myself slipping behind in my program and dreading the thought of beginning a dissertation. Now I've begun my dissertation and am looking forward to completing it! I really like what I'm doing in my graduate program now and I feel more productive and much happier! Just some words of advice: Don't be afraid to be a little bit selfish in this process! Your graduate school career is the most training intensive experience you will ever have and you need to make sure you're getting the most out of it you can. If your research productivity is suffering, it's time to take a step back and assess the situation! With that said, don't rush into a decision. Give the situation some time. Many advisor/advisee relationships go through adolescent growing pains, so make sure as best you can that your advisor and you aren't simply going through a difficult time because of situational events that will eventually pass. Talk to everyone involved! Tell your old advisor your concerns. Figure out if there are things that can be done in your relationship to solve your concerns without you having to switch to another advisor. In my case talking wasn't going to solve the problem of having different research interests...however, if it is more of a stylistic or interpersonal problem you're having, then it's a possibility that your advisor would be more than happy to work with you to resolve the situation to the satisfaction of both of you. With that said, try to figure out if there is someone else who is willing or able to become your primary advisor. Don't relinquish your old advisor of advisory responsibilities without lining someone else up. Talk to possible new advisors about your expectations in an advisor/advisee relationship. Explain to them why you are considering switching advisors. Be careful not to put the old advisor down. Don't feel guilty! Individuals who are professionals will understand that not every advisor/advisee relationship is going to work out perfectly. People are different interpersonally, but it could also be that you find your research interests changing. Both are natural occurrences in graduate school. Don't worry about what other people are going to think of you if you switch. If you think about it, if you stay with your old advisor and are unhappy, your productivity may decline and that may really give others a bad impression of you. At most institutions, faculty just want to see students who are happy and productive. Graduate school is difficult enough; if you don't set yourself up to win, you will have more trouble overcoming everyday obstacles that arise. I hope this was of some help.