Dear Sigmunda: Distraught in Dissertationville

Dear Sigmunda:

My advisor is a maniac! He works 24-7 and expects his graduate students to do so as well. I have a partner who followed me to graduate school, and I want to live a balanced life, not just live in the lab. Sometimes I am so shocked by what he asks me to do (run studies on Sundays, rewrite entire sections of talks the day before I give them) that I don't think to say no. He's constantly checking my work and doesn't seem to trust that I know what I am doing. Students keep dropping from the program (for the past 10 years only 3 students finished the program under his supervision). How do I keep my sanity and keep him happy?

          --Distraught in Dissertationville

	Dear "Distraught in Dissertationville": Although we are still students, that doesn't mean we aren't all adults who deserve, and have the right, to speak up for ourselves. So I'd say your first step might be trying to talk with your advisor about your difficulties -- point out that his or her expectations are impossible to meet and that you feel like they don't trust you. My guess (based on working with such an individual) is that he or she will respect you more, if you are willing and able to discuss the matter with them and to set reasonable limits for yourself. In addition, if this advisor has lost so many students in the past, it might be in your best interest to approach another trusted faculty member (if possible) and outline your concerns with them. It sounds like a departmental issue and a response from the department might make your life easier. This would be especially true if the first tack was not effective. If all else fails, perhaps you should consider switching advisors (if there are other faculty you'd be willing to work with). Even though we are low on the totem pole, we don't have to live with unreasonable demands and completely sacrifice our quality of life for the duration of our program. Good luck!

	Dear "Distraught in Dissertationville": I just want to address one aspect of your letter: "He's constantly checking my work and doesn't seem to trust that I know what I am doing." I've had similar issues with my advisor who micro-manages every aspect of my life. This might be appropriate in the first year or so, but not for much longer than that. It's so important that we develop a sense of self-efficacy in our area of study. How can we feel confident mentoring our own students if our confidence is chronically undermined by our own mentor? So to cope, I often remind myself that this is just an aspect of my advisor's disposition, personal history, etc., and that it's how he has interacted with every student he's ever had. In other words -- it's not personal. Chances are, you're perfectly competent at what you do. In fact, you're so competent that you were admitted to your program over many, many others. You know what you're doing. My point is this -- your advisor's behavior is not about you. It's about his own self-doubts (products of myriad factors). And you have to remind yourself that you are competent. Try to have contact with other more positive and balanced professors in your department. Stay in touch with your undergrad advisor. Revel in small personal achievements. Do what you have to do to remember that you are competent and that when it's your turn to advise students, you won't make the same mistakes he has made. I know this is hard to do, especially with the inherent advisor-mentor power differential. I don't cope all the time and sometimes I just get pissed and have to vent. But maybe this will help take some of the energy out of his misbehaviors. You rock!

	Dear "Distraught in Dissertationville": Assertiveness is a valuable skill to learn in our 4-to-5-year journey. Too often, students assume that by asserting oneself there will be repercussions. I find that if done proactively (i.e., not reacting after the last straw), most advisors yield. Respect is the result, not retribution. It helps, though, to nip it in the bud at the onset; otherwise, you might create a monster. This same type of relationship can occur in the private sector. I spent numerous years with a large hospital company. Pulling a rabbit out of the hat became the norm, and then performing the miracle became the norm, then it was insane -- working until 3:00 A.M. When I drew the line, it was weird -- almost as if supervisors went out of their way to make my job more pleasant. If you give an inch and let it be known that you will give a foot (or at least let it be known that you won't object if they take a foot or a mile), then they will. I could put it in terms of operant conditioning, but I don't think I need to do that...