Why do other people’s opinions about our romantic relationships matter to us? As much as we may like to think that we are autonomous adults who make our own decisions about whom to date and whom to love, research suggests that the extent to which our friends and family support (or approve) of our romantic relationships goes a long way in determining whether those relationships work out or end in a fiery blaze. In our recent research, we were interested in whose opinions matter more to us: those of our friends or those of our family members?
Although most research in this area has focused on the experiences of individuals in mixed-sex relationships, we thought it was important to also include same-sex relationships. Indeed, past research has reported that, in general, people in same-sex relationships perceive less overall support for their relationships, especially from their family members. So, what did we find?
Well, overall, we found that individuals who perceive more support for their romantic relationships report better relationship well-being, which, in turn, is associated with fewer mental and physical health challenges. This pattern of results holds true regardless of whether you are in a same-sex or mixed-sex relationship, showing that support for our romantic relationships from friends and family really does matter!
But which mattered more: friend of family support? When we compared support from family and friends directly, only support from friends significantly predicted relationship well-being and health outcomes. Yes, even physical health was worsened when people didn’t feel like their relationships were supported!
This finding is especially important because we found that people in same-sex relationships perceive less support overall from their family (but not from their friends). Although this is a disheartening finding, our research may suggest that the effects of decreased familial support on relationship well-being and health outcomes are not as detrimental as they could be given that the support from friends mattered the most.
But surely the disapproval that individuals in same-sex relationships feel from their families must have some kind of detrimental effect? Unfortunately, yes. When people in a same-sex relationship perceived that their family did not support their relationship, they were more likely to also feel that the family failed to adequately support them as an individual, and vice versa. Thus, even though it may not affect their relationship or their physical health, disapproval from family members may make people feel like their very self, and not just their relationship, is being judged, and that is not a good feeling.
What does this all mean for you, your relationships, family, and friendships? If you are in a relationship, it means that your perceptions of whether your friends support that relationship may be playing an important role in your overall relationship well-being, and even your health. If your current friends disapprove of your relationship, it might be worthwhile finding out why, seeing if you can change their minds, seeing if there’s something about your relationship that needs your attention, or perhaps making a decision to spend more time with friends who are supportive of your relationship. Furthermore, if you find yourself in a position where you disapprove of someone else’s relationship, consider how you communicate your disapproval. This is especially true if you happen to disapprove of a family member’s same-sex relationship: if not communicated carefully, your disapproval may be interpreted as disapproval of them as a person, not just of their relationship.
It may be that many of us do not think that our opinions of loved one’s relationships really matter one way or another, but the general consensus from not only this study, but from this area of research overall, is that our opinions truly do matter. Indeed, they play an important role in contributing to the overall quality and trajectory of others’ romantic relationships - and even their mental and physical health.
For Further Reading
Blair, K.L., Holmberg, D. & Pukall, C.F. (2018). Support processes in same- and mixed-sex relationships: Type and source matters. Personal Relationships,
Holmberg, D., & Blair, K. L. (2016). Dynamics of perceived social network support for same‐sex versus mixed‐sex relationships. Personal Relationships, 23(1), 62-83.
Blair, K. L., & Pukall, C. F. (2015). Family matters, but sometimes chosen family matters more: Perceived social network influence in the dating decisions of same-and mixed-sex couples. The Canadian Journal of Human Sexuality, 24(3), 257-270.
Sprecher, S. (2011). The influence of social networks on romantic relationships: Through the lens of the social network. Personal Relationships, 18(4), 630-644.
Dr. Karen Blair is the director of the KLB Research Lab and an Assistant Professor of LGBTQ Psychology at St. Francis Xavier University.
How Can I Help?
